How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
How to stop being a people pleaser and gain self worth
How is perfectionism and extremely high productivity used to achieve self worth?
Sometimes, you may feel as if you have to prove to yourself and others that you are worthy and capable. This may show up as feeling as if you have to complete tasks perfectly. Or, maybe you need to feel like you must be productive to be worthy and capable.
America stresses the need for productivity. Those that are seen as hardworking are held in high esteem. Often, Americans internalize this and overwork themselves and bend over backwards to please others.
Some internalize this so strongly that they believe that their productivity level equals their worth. If you are a high achiever you may confuse your achievements and tasks completed for self-worth.
Being hardworking and diligent can be wonderful characteristics to have. However, it becomes an issue when your health and well-being takes a backseat.
Learning to take time to take care of yourself and enjoy life nourishes you and allows you to thrive. A garden must be watered and cared for to grow. We require the same care.
Disconnecting from yourself and your needs to maintain high productivity and please others is a disservice to yourself. Learning how to hear your needs and take care of yourself while working toward your goals is how you grow without burning out.
How does me being a people pleaser shield me from self loathing?
If you are a perfectionist and overwork yourself you may be overly concerned about other people’s judgements of you and your work. Maybe, other people's judgments of you are viewed as equally as important or more important than your own.
You learn to look at yourself through the eyes of others and bend to please others. You learn to control your image and productivity to show others and yourself that you are worthy.
You may chase acceptance in others to gain self-acceptance. You may chase external acceptance in the hopes of gaining a feeling of worthiness.
Like many others, you may have experienced self loathing. You may attempt to banish self loathing by controlling your image and productivity to achieve acceptance from others. Maybe their acceptance will be what you need to finally banish self-loathing.
Unfortunately, self-loathing can’t be extinguished by controlling how other people see you. Caring for ourselves and building self love is how we fight self loathing. Learning how to respect and love ourselves and break our harmful people-pleasing behaviors is how we begin to step out of self-loathing.
How does being a perfectionist and people pleaser keep us from inner growth?
Focusing on attaining perfection and pleasing others distracts us from our internal world. The race to mold ourselves into the perfect image takes us farther away from our authentic selves.
Focusing on external validation makes us blind to our inner world and turn away from ourselves.
Perfectionism and putting other people's needs before your own is self betrayal. Essentially, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and chasing our ideal selves is telling ourselves that our authentic self is not worthy of self love and care.
Usually, we drown in negative and harsh self talk that beats us into submission. “You must get this done or you are a failure” or “I’m a bad person because they don’t like me” may echo in your mind.
Striving for perfection at all costs and negative self talk makes us not present. Tunnel vision and chasing your idea of success may blot out the simple moments that we look back on fondly. It takes you away from time with your loved ones and yourself.
Growth does not come from achieving the perfect image and smiles from the crowd. It comes from being mindful and attentive to the people and things that truly matter in our lives. It comes from being mindful of our needs and what is going on inside.
The healing process requires us to dive into ourselves and meet ourselves with compassion.
How do I move away from perfectionism and people pleasing while building self worth?
Practice mindfulness. Often, we are not mindful of our bodies and not present. Listening to our body and being in tune with our environment is an anchor that guards us against negative thoughts that don’t serve us. Being mindful of the parts of our lives that bring us joy and belonging allows us to focus on what nourishes us.
Swap external validation with self-compassion. The trick is to learn how to love ourselves without the need for external validation. Practicing self-compassion and self-love by taking care of ourselves goes a long way. Listening to our body and supporting it is key.
Change thought patterns and mindset. Often, people have thoughts that tell us that we must act a certain way to be accepted and successful. Challenging those thoughts and mindset makes a world of difference. For example, telling ourselves that it is ok to take breaks and that we are not a failure empowers us to change the way we view ourselves.
Be curious of what lies beneath the anxiety. Kindling a passion to find where our anxious thoughts come from and why we behave the way we do is a huge step. Also, uncovering who we are beneath the anxiety and what we want out of life can liberate us.
Grow Good Psychology has a team of therapists that strive to help you develop the skills to attain self worth and love.
At growgood psychology we are dedicated to creating a safe space for you to build self worth and compassion. Our therapists are dedicated to helping you develop self worth that doesn’t require perfection and acceptance from others.
Connect with us now to see if we are a fit for you!