Codependency in relationships
How to overcome codependency in relationships now
What is codependency?
Codependency is learned behavior that negatively affects one’s ability to lead healthy and satisfying relationships. The relationship may look one sided due to one person doing all of the work or attempting to change their partner’s behavior.
A codependent partner may continue the relationship despite it being one sided and unfulfilling. They may also have a difficult time setting and maintaining boundaries in their relationship.
Codependency is often rooted in the attachment style of the individuals in the relationship. So, the codependent partner may people please and struggle with keeping the peace due to having an anxious attachment.
Essentially, codependency is fueled by feeling as if one must bend over backwards or change their partner to be safe and secure. The perceived need to feel ok in relationships and stay regulated by acting in ways that don’t serve you or the relationship is common in codependent relationships.
What increases the likelihood of developing codependency in relationships?
We learn how to behave in relationships by watching our parents. Often, codependency comes from the behaviors that were modeled to us growing up.
Maybe you had a parent that was the caretaker and needed to feel needed. Maybe you had a parent that would attempt to feel safe in their relationship by attempting to control their partner with kindness or criticism. Maybe your parents modeled a lack of boundaries and direct communication.
What does attachment style and family dynamics have to do with codependency?
Often, our attachment style influences how we show up in relationships. Your anxious attachment and relationships modeled by your parents may have resulted in you feeling as if you must go above and beyond to be worthy of care and love.
If you were parentified and felt as if you had to take care of and regulate your parent you may be codependent. This dynamic may show up as you trying to please and take care of your future partners.
Did you spend your childhood waiting for your parent to get it together and take care of you? If so, you may have developed anxiety around not getting your needs met in relationships. You may be drawn to unavailable partners and attempt to make them support you better due to having an unavailable parent.
What are the two types of codependency in relationships?
People pleasing/caretaking codependent. If you are a people pleaser that has a pattern of codependency you may focus on others and act selfless. You give and give at the expense of your well-being.
You may have an anxious attachment and feel dysregulated and out of control when things aren’t perfectly ok in relationships. Keeping the peace and taking on burdens is essential.
You may also want to be viewed as the better person and rewarded for your selflessness. This feeds your low self esteem and helps you see yourself in a more positive light.
The doing/changing others codependent. You may see yourself as superior in relationships and embrace being the martyr. You may pick individuals that don’t fit what you want in a partner and feel dissatisfied.
Despite your dissatisfaction you stay invested in the relationship and person. You attempt to manipulate and control your partner to fit your desires and want to be seen as the partner that is trying to do their best to make the relationship work.
Much like the doing/changing others codependent, the people pleasing codependent stays in the relationship even though the relationship is unhealthy and unsupportive. Both try to navigate and control relationships in their own way. The people pleaser controls with kindness while the “doing” codependent controls with other tactics.
Lastly, both of these types have different strategies to reach the same goal. No matter your type, the goal is to feel safe in relationships.
Growgood psychology has a team of trauma informed therapists that are dedicated to support you as you navigate your codependency
To add, at growgood psychology we will create a safe holding space for you to explore your relationship dynamics. We strive to walk along your path of healing as you overcome the challenges in your relationships.
Our therapists can assist you in healing attachment wounds and past hurts. We are here to help you create healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Finally, connect with us now to begin the healing process and embrace growth with our therapists!