Am I Grieving Wrong?

How Grief Counseling Can Help You Heal

I feel so many emotions at once! How do I hold them all?

Often, we feel multiple emotions at one time. This may feel confusing and challenging, especially when the emotions are contradictory to one another. 

You may be thinking, “why am I sad but feeling gratitude at the same time? Does that make me bad or the loss any less?” The answer is no, you are not bad in any way and your loss is still there. 

You have the ability to hold space for both gratitude and grief. It is a beautiful thing to feel grateful for what we had and that we have support, such as a fantastic therapist, to walk with us through the healing process. 

Well, no one died, so why do I feel so much loss?

Grief is not monopolized by those that have experienced a tragic death of a loved one. Grief can knock on our door when we lose anything that we hold dear. This can include a dream, expectation, or chapter of your life. 

Feeling as if you lost your youth and vitality can be met with grief. Losing a job and feeling the weight of all that comes with such a loss is often tied with grief. 

Holding space for yourself and accepting that this is what you are feeling right now is key. Lastly, allowing ourselves to feel and validate those feelings is how we grow and get to the other side.

So, what are the stages of grief?

So, the stages of grief are not necessarily linear and do not fall in the same order for everyone. Sometimes, you may even skip a step. They are more like guidelines that direct you through your healing process. So, there is no wrong way to go through the stages.

The first stage, denial, is when you deny the feelings connected to the loss and potentially the loss itself. You may feel numb and frozen during this stage. This stage is here to help you survive a loss.  

Next, anger blows onto the scene. Anger is something to grasp onto when it feels as if your life and/or what you envisioned your future to be is shattered. It pushes you out of the icy container of denial. You may exhibit anger and blame towards others, a higher power, and/or life itself. You may find yourself thinking “why me” while you are enveloped in a seething rage. You may want to put a lid on that rage but it is important to feel that anger to heal. The fire will go out and you will transition to bargaining. 

Bargaining is the third stage. Through bargaining we try to gain control of our life and our situation by trying to negotiate with ourselves or a higher power. Saying something like “I will love deeply and serve others if you bring them back to me”  through tears is an example of this. You may find your mind full of “what if” and “if only” statements as you go about your day. This stage, too, will pass. 

Depression, the fourth stage, pulls you under the covers as reality descends upon you. You know that no higher power will undo what has been done, so you feel a deep deep sadness. You may withdraw from friends and what you love and hamper your motivation. This is a part of the process and is understandable following such a loss. Acceptance of how you are feeling and using your support system can help you enter into the next stage of healing from grief.

Acceptance, the second to last stage of grief, is when we come to terms with the loss. This doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is sunshine and rainbows. This means that you have climbed through all of the past stages to stand at a place where you can accept the loss for what it is. You learn how to live with the loss and changes that come with it and walk towards a fulfilling life. You begin to explore new ways of being and evolve while the loss is still in your heart. 

Hold on, I thought there were only 5 stages! What is meaning?

The final stage, according to David Kessler, is finding meaning. This is where we learn to find or create meaning out of the loss. We mold the loss into a narrative that gives us hope and a guiding light. 

Meaning arms us with resilience and enables us to walk forward with the loss in hand instead of being held back by it. Your meaning can be many things. It could be the gratitude you feel in creating those beautiful memories and having the experience. It could be that the loss birthed new opportunities of growth. 

Collective grief and grief counseling during COVID-19

Honestly, the entire world is going through a collective grief right now. We could all benefit from grief counseling. Personally, I am grieving the loss of time. The loss of time spent with loved ones and exploring San Diego freely. 

You may be grieving the loss of a loved one or missed opportunities. And, some are grieving the loss of a job and who they were before COVID-19. In addition, some are grieving their innocence and the shattered view of their country that is replaced by a not so pretty picture. 

We are all grieving. Some of our losses are unique, but many of them are the same. There are countless people that feel the grief you are feeling. All of us could benefit from some support from a grief counselor.

We may seem far apart as we look at each other through a zoom call, but we are in this together. There is no wrong way to grieve. But there are ways to grieve together, even when we seem far apart. You are not alone. 

Individual Therapy can help provide a Safe Space to process through your Grief

At growgood psychology we will create a safe holding space where you can go through the grief stages without judgement. Our therapists in San Diego apply a strengths-based approach and strive to connect with you on a human-to-human level. 

We are here to be a partner that supports you in growing through grief and manifesting a beautiful life following loss. At growgood psychology, you can learn to get to the other side of grief and walk towards a fulfilling life following a loss. Our grief counseling can help you heal your wounds and embrace life.

Finally, if you are in California, connect with us now to begin the healing process and embrace growth with our grief counselors!