How to strengthen your relationship with a Gottman Couples Therapist

What is Gottman Couples Therapy?

Do you and your life partner desperately want to rebuild your emotional connection?

Do you want to see the trust and commitment that you and your partner once had?

Do you want to replace hurtful words and actions with the kind and loving ones you and your partner felt at the beginning of your relationship?

If this resonates with you, a Gottman Couples Therapist that supports you and your partner in rebuilding connection may be a fit for you.

What are the four horsemen of the apocalypse and what do they have to do with my relationship?

To begin, Gottman couples therapy helps couples build connection and trust by developing communication skills and helping couples eliminate the four horsemen. The four horseman of the apocalypse are actions that partners do that erode a relationship.

What does your partner do that makes you seethe with anger? What do you do that turns the dial up on your partners anger meter? These actions may be the horsemen of the apocalypse.

So, what is the first horseman and what does it do to my relationship?

The first horsemen is criticism. Have you witnessed a couple fight and heard one of the partners scathingly attack their lover’s character? That is criticism.

To elaborate, criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint shines light on a particular issue while criticism is meant to attack one’s character. Criticism may lead to feeling attacked and is a road to the second horseman, contempt.

How does contempt influence my relationship?

Next, contempt comes onto the scene. Think of a time that you and your partner were brutal towards each other and were downright disrespectful and mean. This is contempt. This can look like calling each other names and mocking. 

This can lead to a partner or partners feeling despised by their lover. It can erode self esteem and worth over time. You may be asking how that is different from criticism. Contempt is more aggressive and insinuates that one partner is superior to the other. 

My partner and I have a lot of contempt. What do I do?

Now, I want you to imagine a relationship that has no contempt looks like. You may be picturing a couple that exudes affection, mutual respect, and appreciation. This is what we are striving for! 

When we create a holding space for our partner and offer them gratitude and affection it fosters connection. Honing respect and love for your partner fosters positive feelings that have no room for contempt. 

Couple’s Therapy can support you in creating a prosperous space that encourages emotional connection and respect. 

My partner is defensive a lot. What does that lead to?

Thirdly, defensiveness rears its head. Often, criticism leads to defensiveness in the partner that is on the receiving end of the contempt. Have you ever been accused or criticized? What was your reaction? It is probable that your reaction was defensive in nature. 

Often, when we are on the receiving end of an accusation, we may play the victim. We may do this because we hope that the other will lay off and give us space. 

However, it rarely plays out that way. Instead, it turns up the dial and results in more conflict. This is because another motive for defensiveness is to place the blame on our partner. Placing blame in this manner only furthers the conflict.

Couples Therapy can teach you and your partner how to communicate your needs and emotions in a healthy way. Healing your communication patterns and building friendship and connection will eliminate defensiveness.

Why does my partner shut down during an argument?

Lastly, stonewalling comes through and rattles the relationship. Have you ever seen your partner completely shut down and stop responding during a conflict? This is what stonewalling looks like. Usually, this occurs when the person who is stonewalling is so dysregulated and upset that they will not continue being present in the conflict.

Remember- both you and your partner can develop skills that deter the four horsemen and rebuild your connection foundation.

My partner stonewalls a lot. What should I do?

Often, if your partner shuts down it means that they can’t take any more conflict. Asking your partner if they would like to take a break can make all of the difference.

Taking a break will allow both of you to step back and regulate your body and mind. Then, both of you can come together to talk about the issue in a compassionate and rational manner.

Criticism is rampant in my relationship. How can a Gottman couples therapist help with that?

Couple’s Therapy can support you and your partner in learning communication skills that can eliminate criticism and form connection. I am sure you have been told to use I statements at some point in your life. Well, there is a reason for that!

During couples therapy you and your partner can learn to come together and use I statements instead of applying criticism. I statements and sharing feelings fosters connection and understanding. Connection and mutual understanding is not an ecosystem that criticism thrives in.

Also, in couples therapy you can learn how to pause and ask yourself what you need from your partner and how you are feeling. This is easier said than done and takes practice!

Truthfully, this will not just magically happen overnight. Saying how you are feeling and what you need can bring out care and compassion instead of defensiveness and stonewalling in your partner.

growgood Psychology has a team of couples therapists that strive to support you and your partner as you build emotional connection and trust

To add, at growgood psychology we are dedicated to create a safe environment for you and your partner to connect and strengthen your friendship and bond.

We are here to help you and your partner come together and celebrate what made you fall in love with them in the first place. We are here to be a partner that supports you and your lover on your shared journey. 

Finally, to find the right couples therapist for you and your partner, connect with us now!