Perfectionism and Avoidance
Five Ways to Overcome Perfectionism and Avoidance
Why do I feel uncomfortable with stillness and rest?
Many people avoid stillness due to trauma, family dynamics, mental illness, and/or childhood experiences. In stillness, uncomfortable feelings and thoughts may pop up. Memories that we haven’t fully processed may advance.
Maybe stillness wasn’t safe for you as a child. Stillness and rest may have meant that your needs may not have been met. Maybe you developed perfectionism and the need to be constantly busy because your parents taught you that that was the expectation.
If you have experienced poverty, you may have learned that a break was dangerous. You may have learned that a pause would result in you running out of the money necessary to meet your basic needs.
Whatever the reason, you may have learned to constantly be on the move because that is what kept you safe all these years. However, we deserve to take breaks and take care of ourselves! Our bodies and minds are not meant to constantly be on the move.
What does overworking, perfectionism, and busyness have to do with avoidance?
Being busy and drowned in work acts as a buffer that shields us from unwanted parts of our experience. Often, we hyper focus on work and develop perfectionism to avoid unsettling thoughts, emotions, feelings, and memories. Sometimes, work is used to distance ourselves from things in our life that bring up upsetting thoughts, feelings, and memories.
I am here to tell you that avoiding these unsettling experiences leads to these thoughts, emotions, and memories to keep on popping up. They are there for a reason.
They may be there to direct you to a decision or action that is right for you. For example, anger often tells us that a boundary is being crossed and urges us to take action to protect ourselves.
They may be there to tell you that something in your life is out of alignment and not quite right. Or, they may be here to point out a problem that you should face. A memory may be coming up because it is urging you to process it with a therapist.
What exercise can I do to understand how avoidance affects me?
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy we like to do an exercise called the push away paper exercise. It shows us the effects of avoiding our thoughts, feelings, and memories.
To begin, write down thoughts, feelings, memories you like to avoid on a piece of paper. Then, push the paper away from you as far as you can. Push it away until your arms start to ache from the strain.
How tiring is this? Are your arms getting weak and tired? Now, imagine doing this every day! How much of your energy is going into pushing these thoughts, feelings, and memories away?
Now, be mindful of how distracting this is. How difficult is it to be present with loved ones and yourself? If your family member, partner, or friend was in front of you right now how much attention could you give them?
Next, pay attention to how much energy and effort you are putting into pushing away the paper. How difficult is it to act and do things that you need to get done effectively?
Now, relax your arms and put them to your side. How does your body feel after this release? How much more energy do you have to connect with others, be present, and act effectively?
The thoughts, feelings, and memories are still there in your lap. These thoughts, feelings, and memories give us important information. They tell us what to do differently and point us in the direction of issues that we must address.
It is possible to simply sit with these and allow them to guide us. Embracing the ones that guide us with openness and curiosity empowers us to connect with ourselves and grow.
If some thoughts and feelings are not helpful we can simply let them sit. The goal is to be aware of them and accept them without putting in tons of energy to avoid them.
How can I decide whether I should tap into my busyness or take a break?
Acknowledge without judgement. Acknowledge your tendency towards busyness and perfectionism without judgement or criticism. Instead, embrace your desire to accept where you are at in the present moment.
Be mindful. Be aware when your busyness starts to impair your physical and mental well-being. When does your desire to be busy usually show up? Is there a pattern?
Tap into curiosity. Be curious about where your tendency towards business comes from. Does it come from a need to distract from thoughts or feelings? Or does it come from a need to build self worth (how to stop being a people pleaser and gain self worth link here) through being productive?
Be present and centered. Center yourself and connect with the present moment with belly breathing or grounding exercises.
Decide next steps. Once you have connected with the present, ask yourself what action you would like to take. Explore the why behind the desire to be busy and check in with your body.
Asking yourself these questions can give you helpful answers: How important is it that you get X and Y done? What is your deadline? Do you want to tap into busyness because you want to achieve something or is it a mechanism that allows you to distract and/or avoid something? Does your body and mind need a break from the grind?
Grow Good Psychology has a team of therapists that strive to help you turn away from perfectionism and be gentle with yourself.
At growgood psychology we are dedicated to creating a safe space for you to connect with and support your needs. Our therapists are dedicated to helping you to develop skills that allow you to rest while taking care of your body and mind.
Connect with us now to see if we are a fit for you!