People Pleasing and Self Worth

Question: Are you a people pleaser?

Are you frustrated and exhausted by your porous boundaries?

Do you wish that you could hold space for yourself and others at the same time?

Are your affirmations for self worth just not enough?

So, why is people pleasing a staple in how I interact with others?

Honestly, people-pleasing is probably more common than you think. Often, our people-pleasing behaviors and porous boundaries were learned. 

Maybe your inner child learned years ago that you have to earn attention, connection, and love. This can stem from unreliable or absent caregivers. Maybe your mom was so busy with work and putting clothes on your back that you thought you had to earn her attention. 

This is about blaming parents. A lot of this people pleasing stuff comes from our childhood and the lessons that were cemented in our minds. And, don’t we all just want attention, love, and a community that has our back? 

If you learned that you have to earn it or that you don’t deserve the same kindness in return you may people-please to build that community. Luckily, we can learn how to take care of ourselves and others in a balanced way.

Sometimes the root of people pleasing behaviors is our self worth. When we find our value and worth in others like or dislike or approval of us, this can reinforce our people pleasing behaviors. Practicing some affirmations for self worth can help- but sometimes we need to do some deeper work. 

Honestly, you are not on this planet to please people

Really, you are not! No matter what you were taught you have the power to support yourself AND others! You can and deserve to find value in yourself, state your needs, and develop relationships with healthy boundaries. 

There is a strength and beauty in people pleasing tendencies. It is beautiful to have the ability to care so deeply for others and to want to make them happy. You can learn to hold your strengths as well as your desire to learn how to hold boundaries and care for yourself at the same time. You can hold your love for your beautiful qualities and your desire to change at the same time- there is space for both.

Why does people-pleasing seem to hurt instead of help my relationships?

People pleasers tend to focus on caring for others because they think they need to serve others to receive love and care. Often, we want to build strong relationships and a community by doing all we can to make others happy. Unfortunately, this often does the opposite in some of our relationships. 

Have you realized that you have a pattern of resenting your friends and partners that don’t mirror your care and kindness? This may be because you are so focused on their needs that you don’t set the scene to allow others to do the same for you.

Often, this leads to resentment when our needs aren’t met. And, at times we can be so focused on others that our mental health suffers from hyper focusing on everyone else while we neglect ourselves. 

So, how can I give people the chance to show up for me? 

Often, people pleasing looks like not giving other people the opportunity to support us. So, how do we do this? For starters, we don't tell them our needs. Mapping out what our needs are and sharing that information gives others the opportunity to show up for us. 

Secondly, we don’t ask for help when we actually need it. Learning how to speak up when we need help is a huge leap towards living a fulfilling life. 

How do you see boundaries? What are your bodily sensations and thoughts when you try to lay down boundaries? Boundaries are tough- it takes more than affirmation for self worth to find the strength to set boundaries- and then we have to work to keep them!

We need to hold boundaries to fully show up for others as the best version of ourselves. When we exhaust our energy, it is much like trying to pour from an empty cup. Have you ever tried to pour from an empty cup? It tends to not work out very well! 

growgood psychology has a team of therapists that strive to help you develop the skills to build stable relationships that support you and your mental well-being.

At growgood psychology we are dedicated to creating a safe space for you to explore your relationships and behaviors with curiosity. Maybe we suggest affirmations for self worth or other self esteem work, maybe we help you unpack when this behavior started- no matter the intervention, our therapists strive to connect with you on a human-to-human level.

Reach out, connect with us now to see if we are a fit for you!