Defeating Toxic Positivity With Authenticity
Defeating Toxic Positivity With Authenticity
“Good vibes only.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Just be positive!”
You might have heard or seen these phrases come up more frequently in today’s conversations. These phrases might be stated in an effort to cope with an unfortunate situation, but despite the sweet coating of these words, it’s possible that phrases like these actually promote toxic positivity. The words “toxic” and “positivity” don’t really seem to go together, but the phrase describes a harmful practice that encourages denial and invalidation of natural human emotions. Sure, phrases like the examples above might have been said with good intentions- but what happens when these kinds of phrases are said too often? What happens when it’s said so often that real experiences and feelings become invalidated? Unfortunately, feeling invalided is a potential consequence of toxic positivity. But what exactly is toxic positivity? How can I better encourage myself/others instead?
What is toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity is generally known as the excessive overgeneralization of certain states, such as happiness or optimism, across all situations. This doesn’t sound too bad, but overtime, this mentality leads to a decreased ability to navigate real human experiences and emotions. The common saying of “too much of anything is bad for you,” can apply here. In theory, too much of this leaves no room for other feelings, such as anger, disgust, disappointment, or hurt, to exist. In doing so, shame and masking might become more apparent. Instead of allowing yourself to feel other emotions, such as anger or disappointment, toxic positivity will leave you feeling as if those momentary lapses of other emotions are wrong or unnecessary.
What are some signs of toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity can happen in a variety of situations. Although it may start off with the intent of reminding yourself of “the upside,” over time, it can turn into shutting off of other emotions. Some signs of toxic positivity include:
Hiding some of the painful emotions you might feel.
Experiencing shame, guilt, or disappointment for feeling sad or angry.
Dismissing other people’s difficult feelings about a situation.
Ignoring your problems instead of facing them because doing so allows you to “stay positive.”
Frequently reciting positive slogans, such as “Just be positive!” or “Positivity is key!”, before you allow yourself to feel anything else.
Willing feelings that you view as “negative,” such as anger or sadness, away by ignoring them.
What is a better way to encourage someone/myself?
The good news is that it’s possible to stop engaging in toxic positivity! There is room for growth and healing from this mindset. Although it might be challenging at first, over time it’ll become easier. Here are some practice scenarios that might help outline a new way of thinking:
You end up not getting the job after doing multiple rounds of interviews. Instead of jumping to say “I have to stay positive!”, try giving yourself the space to feel disappointment or frustration. It’s okay to feel these things, as you spent a lot of time preparing and focusing during these interviews. After allowing yourself to feel real-time reactions, then try to think of next steps that you could do, such as practice interviews, additional training, etc.
Your friend just lost a loved one to an illness. It might feel tempting to say, “Everything happens for a reason.” This can quickly invalidate their feelings of grief and sadness, causing them to feel guilty for feeling so sad. Instead, try comforting them in ways that they need. Examples could include giving them space, allowing them to share some fond memories, or calling you to cry it out. Giving them the space to truly feel their emotions is important, as grief takes on many forms.
Your date ghosted you. Don’t jump to say “I’m fine! I’m perfectly happy, it’s okay.” If you feel disappointment or anger, let yourself feel them. Give yourself that space to feel those feelings and then figure out what you want to do after that. Maybe it’s to treat yourself out to a fancy solo date or maybe it’s to block their number for good. Regardless of what the after plan is, allow yourself to feel what you want to feel first.
Some of these examples might seem silly, but the overarching theme was to paint a picture of having the freedom to feel and express feelings in real-time- to be authentic. Toxic positivity delays reactions by masking the feelings, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it resolves them. Instead, it might leave you feeling worse over time, unable to move past it now that it’s been bottled up for too long. Being positive is a helpful trait for many, but too much of it can lead to unforeseen issues in processing and expressing emotions. It’s time to challenge toxic positivity with something more real.
growgood psychology has a team of therapists ready to help you overcome toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity might be new to you and unlearning it can seem scary. Our team of therapists are ready to provide you with a safe space to unpack that and learn healthy coping skills together. Whether it’s discomfort with facing difficult emotions or it was used as a survival technique, it’s okay to let go of toxic positivity and embrace authenticity. Connect with us today to get started!