How to Begin Setting Boundaries
Exhaustion. Fatigue. Fear. Worry.
Do any of these feelings feel familiar? It can be tiring or scary to set boundaries, but it’s important for our health and well-being.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are invisible lines that we set to protect ourselves. Whether it be our comfort or our safety, boundaries help protect us from people or things that don’t serve us. There are several different types of boundaries, so it’s possible that you’ve heard about some of them before. They also aren’t always physical, so keep that in mind! Some examples of boundaries are:
Emotional: We crave emotional connection- it’s a vital part of being human. But that doesn’t have to mean that you need to fuse with someone else to be connected. For example, if someone is draining you emotionally, you are allowed to set a boundary to not feel overwhelmed by them or their problems. Your emotions deserve a spot at the table too.
Physical: Personal space is huge. Some days, we might need more personal space than others. Or, you might not feel like doing something that would make you and your body feel uncomfortable. For example, you might not want to hug people or see someone every day of the week. You are allowed to ask for those needs!
Sexual: Sometimes you might not be in the mood to get intimate with someone- and that’s 100% okay! You are absolutely allowed to ask not to be intimate or to suggest other ways you can still be intimate without having sex.
Time: Preserving your time is incredibly necessary! Ignoring this can quickly lead to burnout. You can set a boundary for this by not working overtime everyday, taking a proper lunch break, and having some time at the end of each day to unwind.
Why are they important?
You might be wondering, “Why do I need to set them? Are they really that important?” The answer is: 100%, absolutely, YES! Boundaries work in your best interest because its sole aim is to protect you. Yes, you! Without boundaries, it’s easy to get caught up in things that might be draining you more than reviving you. Without them, it would be difficult to maintain your peace and your overall well-being. Contrary to what some may think, setting boundaries isn’t mean or selfish- in fact, it’s quite the opposite! Setting boundaries is the one of the most loving things you can do for yourself.
How can I start setting boundaries?
Boundary setting is so good for you, but it can be challenging to start. Here are some helpful tips that will help you get started:
Be clear and direct. You can do this as firmly or as gently as you wish, but make sure you are directly stating what you want!
Practice asking for your needs. You can do this by rehearsing stating your need a couple of times before you actually start asking. Doing this will help you become familiar with the words you use when asking for your needs. It’ll also help you become comfortable with hearing yourself say it out loud!
Ask for your needs. You are allowed to voice your needs without worrying about how others will perceive them. Try to remind yourself that your needs have to be met too.
Become familiar (and comfortable) with the feelings that may arise after you state your needs. Discomfort, worry, fear, and anxiety are all common feelings that might come up. Sit with them at first, then remind yourself that your needs are important and deserve to be heard. These feelings will pass!
Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Congratulations, you’ve set a boundary! This will become easier with time, but initially, it can be a bit difficult. Know that you’re not alone in feeling uncomfortable, but celebrate your bravery in advocating for yourself.
Learning to set boundaries doesn’t come easy for everyone, but it’s important to remain patient with yourself as you learn. Be kind to yourself as you learn to identify what boundaries work for you and how you’d like to implement them in your daily life. Some people may choose to walk away once you set your boundaries– and as scary as that may be, that is okay! Not everyone will have the ability to understand that boundaries are good and healthy. It may cause some heartache at first, but in the long run, your boundaries will preserve the most important person in your life- you!
Need help setting boundaries? growgood psychology has a team of therapists that can help you work on that!
It can seem scary at first to start setting them, but it doesn’t always have to be. Our therapists at growgood psychology are ready to walk with you as you begin and continue supporting you as they change over time. Let’s work on this together- connect with us today to start healing!