Dealing with Perfectionism
Dismantle
shame-based reactions and patriarchal ideals
“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” - Brene Brown
Perfection is like paralysis - it immobilizes your ability to try, to attempt, to venture. It keeps you stuck in a cycle made up of fear and shame.
The Patriarchy’s Impact
Whether we are aware of it or not, the patriarchy has a very personal impact on our thinking, belief systems, how we show up in this world every day. Society tries to paint perfectionism as a positive trait - branded as something that increases your chances of success.
Patriarchal ideals tell us that we must be faultless - clean, put together, blemish free, petite, calm, contained, without mistakes or failure. We must be perfect.
We are constantly slammed with images of what perfect looks like - many of those images are fixed in capitalism, white supremacy and the patriarchy, which puts the vision of perfection even more far out. ‘Perfect’ is subjective - it’s exhausting, unattainable, and outright harmful.
In truth, perfectionism diminishes our ability to succeed by actively blocking us from even trying. If we dare be anything different we are deemed inadequate, dirty, messy - all things unacceptable and threatening in a society where men are to remain unchallenged and in power.
These unrealistic ideals and expectations no doubt leave us frozen in shame -
Masking to hide your authentic self
Immense fear of making mistakes or failing
Suppressing ‘undesirable’ emotions - anger, sadness, disappointment
Obsessing over dieting, our thinness
Embodying a hopeless identity - ‘I’m a terrible person’, ‘I could never do that’
Judging yourself & others for being weak, sensitive, lazy
The impact of this oppressive behavior is pretty clear - we lack compassion for ourselves, hold ourselves to unattainable ideals, project perfectionist ideals onto others, and the list goes on. Perfectionism is a lonely and isolating trait.
The question we must ask ourselves is what can we do to recognize the flaws in the system, accept ourselves for who we are, and believe that there is such a thing as ‘good enough’?
Unlearning Shame
The first step to overcoming perfectionism is to recognize the societal structures that are impacting these feelings - to acknowledge the faults in the system, to remind yourself that your actions & reactions were learned.
Your self critical voice is going to try and focus on failure - keeping you stuck in the ‘I’ve failed again’ loop. Truth is, shame and criticism will only keep you stuck in a cycle of continued failure.
Instead, you embody self compassion. Self compassion reduces your fear of failure and keeps you in the optimal zone for growth and change - helping you detach from self deprecating habits and develop a more accepting outlook.
This narrative allows space for assessment & change - to see where you can improve, where you can evolve. It allows you to see the bigger picture and rearrange your standards or expectations to be realistic and attainable.
You are not becoming complacent and your self-critic isn’t being eliminated - you are simply hearing that critical voice with a lens of curiosity, then choosing to make a more compassionate response -
Perfectionism says - If I'm not perfect, then what’s the point?
Self compassion says - I am not meant to be perfect, I am human. My worth is inherent, regardless of my success.
Flaws are not inadequacies, your worth is not based on your achievements, and your best effort is not the same as perfection - you are imperfect and you’re still enough.
growgood psychology has a team of therapists that can provide you with a supportive environment as we help you navigate through your perfectionism.
Overcoming perfectionism with the systems in place is difficult - When met with support that is approachable and collaborative in nature, embracing your imperfections and dismantling patriarchal ideals will feel much more attainable. This space welcomes you as you continue to grow into yourself through wholeness! You are in the driver's seat, Connect with us today to get started.