How to support someone with depression

Offering help to a friend or loved one that is experiencing depression may feel overwhelming, especially if you don’t know a good place to start. Although you may not be experiencing depression yourself, seeing someone that you care about struggle may lead you to experience difficult emotions as well. If you are experiencing emotions such as helplessness, frustration, guilt, fear, or sadness, know that you are not alone in this and there are ways that you can mitigate these feelings and support your friend or loved one. 

How can I do this?  
Although Depression is common, it is expressed and experienced differently for all. Some may have feelings of helplessness, a loss of energy or interest in daily activities. Others may express feelings of self loathing, bouts of irritability, or possibly reckless behavior. However your loved one is presenting depression, it is important to remind yourself that you are not responsible for “rescuing” them or “fixing” them, but rather you are here to aid in creating a safe and trusting space for them to open up when they are ready. That said, your companionship and support will be crucial to their recovery - here is a list of ways you can begin to cultivate just that. 

• Starting the conversation. Discussing mental health with a loved one can already be difficult, but knowing when and how to start the conversation can feel even tougher. It may be beneficial to plan the conversation ahead of time, that way it can take place in a private or comfortable place. You might pick a nice area for a walk or catch up at a familiar coffee shop. Once settled in, you will most likely be the first to bring up your concerns. That said, here are some phrases you may want to start with - 

• “I care about you and have noticed that you haven’t been yourself lately. You seem more distant than usual, and I'm wondering how you’re doing?” 

• “I’ve noticed you haven’t been going out lately, is there anything you’d like to talk about?” 

• “I’ve noticed some differences with you recently and I wanted to check in. How are things going?”

• Be a compassionate listener. You’ve put out feelers, now it’s up to them. If they are ready to talk, that means that they’re also looking for support. This may be a difficult first step for them, as being vulnerable and sharing personal struggles can be scary. Some of the things said during the conversation may be overwhelming for you to hear. As these come up, attempt to stay calm and engaged, as that will help alleviate any stress the speaker may have. Engaging may look like maintaining eye contact, expressing positive body language, and using validating phrases during the conversation. These phrases may sound something like - 

• “I understand.” 

• “What can we do to make things better?” 

• “I’m here for you.” 

• “Is there anything I can do to support you with this?” 

• Encouraging them to get help and support them day to day. Whether your friend or loved one has considered seeking professional help or not, it is important to recognize that this may be another uncomfortable step. Not only does it take an enormous amount of courage to admit that one is struggling with depression, but experiencing depressive symptoms may also lead someone to feel like seeking help is an impossible feat. This could be a great opportunity for you to offer assistance. You may offer to sit down and help them make a list of potential therapists or offer to accompany them to their first session. You will be surprised to see that this simple act may be exactly what they needed to begin their healing journey with a professional. As they continue on, there will be many ups and downs, moments of defeat, and pain. During these times remember to offer encouragement and support where you can.      

• Things to Avoid. As much as you want to be there for a friend or loved one, there are things better left undiscussed. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind - 

• Do not try to fix them. Trying to “fix” them will not benefit either party. Remember it is not your job to heal them from their depression. Avoid comments like “You should be grateful for all the good in your life” or “Just try to look on the bright side more.” These comments can cause more harm than help even if you are coming from a good place. Instead, try to utilize your skills in active listening and validating phrases. 

• Be careful giving advice. Although you may have some ideas on how to help your friend or loved one, it is best to avoid offering them advice. Statements that are geared towards solutions to or curing depression may sound like - “All you have to do is get out of bed and have a better mindset” or “I stopped eating processed foods and I was cured. Just do that.” Although probably unintentional, these statements can be harmful. Instead, try encouraging positive change outside of giving your opinion. Invitations to places or activities may be a great start.

•  Do not compare or minimize their experience. Your friend or loved one’s pain is what is real to them at this moment. Using phrases such as “ things could be so much worse”  or “We’ve all been there” can be detrimental and may cause them to withdraw from you all together. We have no idea how they are feeling inside, so the best thing we can do for them is validate, validate, validate! 

• A message to you. Your mental health is just as important during this time, so It is vital for you to frequently check in with yourself. You can ask yourself -

• “How have I been feeling lately?” 

• “Am I maintaining my boundaries?” 

• “Am I taking on more than feasible?” 

• “Am I giving myself enough time to invest in myself?”

You won’t be able to be a true advocate for them if you are neglecting yourself. If there comes a point where your wellness is declining, it may be time to make some changes. At the end of the day you will not be the reason they do or do not heal. However, you may be the reason they sought help or saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Give yourself grace for offering them a safe space to be vulnerable with you! 

growgood psychology has a team of therapists that can help you, a friend, or a loved one with depression.
Whether you are seeking guidance on how to be a better supporter for someone you know that is struggling or you have depression and want help - you have come to the right place. I know it feels difficult, but our therapists are here to offer you guidance as you navigate it all. Connect with us today to get started!