Attachment Styles and Relationships

We hear a lot about attachment styles when it comes to relationships- with our parents, our partners and potential partners- heck, we even see it as an option on dating apps as self-awareness becomes more desirable in a potential partner. But what are attachment styles? Where do they come from and can we be more than 1?

What are the attachment styles?
There are 4 main categories of attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. It’s important to remember as we explore attachment styles that these are generalizations of the way we connect in relationships- each individual can fluctuate on a spectrum of each style dependent on their specific history. All 4 of these styles begin developing during early childhood and continue to affect attachment patterns as we grow older. Our attachment style is usually reflective of the relationship we had with our primary caregiver, our first real “relationship”. These styles become particularly evident in romantic relationships, manifesting itself in ways that we might not even notice.

So what exactly are the different types and how do they show up in relationships?

• Secure attachment: Stems from feeling safe in early childhood. Oftentimes this means your caregivers provided safety, comfort, and understanding. Being able to ask for needs without fearing punishment could also be a sign of having had a secure attachment with your caregiver. Adults with secure attachment can be seen having effective communication, having high self-esteem and self-regard, being able to self-regulate emotions, are easily able to connect with others, and are emotionally available.

• In relationships, this attachment style typically manifests in having longer relationships, being able to navigate relationships well, trusting others easily, and is not easily jealous.

• Avoidant attachment: Can also be called “insecure attachment.” This might stem from having emotionally distant or absent caregivers. Adults with avoidant attachment typically avoid emotional intimacy, have a difficult time trusting others, and display hyper-independence. 

• In relationships, this attachment style typically manifests itself in having “commitment issues,” keeping the emotional aspect of the relationship at surface level, and being unable to let others in. 

• Anxious attachment: Can stem from having an inconsistent caregiver. Whether it’s inconsistencies in attention or emotional connection, caregivers may have been present one moment and then gone the next. They may have been attentive and then pushed you away or made you feel as if you were responsible for their feelings. This may have caused high levels of distress when the caregiver left because there was no certainty that they would return. Adults with anxious attachment typically have clingy or jealous tendencies, have significant fear of abandonment or rejection, need frequent approval, and have a difficult time trusting others.

• In relationships, this attachment style typically manifests itself in experiencing frequent jealousy, feeling unlovable, needing constant reassurance, feeling highly anxious, and fearing that your partner will leave and never return. 

• Disorganized attachment: Can also be called “anxious-avoidant.” This attachment style can stem from a variety of childhood experiences, such as trauma, neglect, abuse, and fear. Caregivers may have been someone that you both cared for and feared, leaving you feeling confused and disorganized. Adults with disorganized attachment typically have both anxious and avoidant behavior tendencies, contradictory behavior, and difficulty trusting others.

• In relationships, this attachment style typically manifests itself in having confusing or contradictory behaviors. For example, one moment you might be jealous and pushing your partner away and the next moment you might be clingy and wanting all of their attention. Additionally, fear of love and fear of abandonment may both be present. If you’d like to learn more about this one, we have another blog post that discusses it in greater detail.

Again, these are brief descriptions of the four types of attachment styles and this isn’t a test to see which one you have! Rather, it’s to help become familiar with what these styles can look like and how it might show up in relationships. 

Is it possible to change? If so, how can I become more securely attached?

Whether it’s romantic or platonic, relationships develop over time. You may have noticed a pattern and are wondering, “Is it possible for me to change? Can I become secure?” The answer is yes! There are several ways to go about developing a more secure attachment style. Here are some tips: 

• Surround yourself with others who are more securely-attached. Being around people who are more securely attached may help you become more comfortable with secure attachment. Sharing conversations and perspectives with those that are securely attached might help aid in the development of more securely-attached patterns or thoughts.

• Practice building trust with others. Trust is essential in the development and maintenance of attachment styles. This is easier said than done, but learning to trust others, including friends and family, will help ease the transition into a more secure attachment style. 

• Try therapy. This one is deeply personal and might make you uncomfortable to think about. But therapy can help ease the anxiety that accompanies the transition, help work through any unresolved trauma, help with self-esteem, and more. 

growgood psychology has a team of therapists ready to walk alongside you as you figure out your attachment style.

Attachment styles are unique to each individual and can fluctuate over time. With empathy and compassion, our therapists at growgood psychology are ready to work with you to process what your attachment style might look like and what it could mean for you. Connect with us now to get started!