Attachment Styles Avoidant

What are attachment styles and how do they influence relationships?

Mary Ainsworth conducted a study called the strange situation where children were introduced, separated, and then reunited with their mother. Mary identified three distinct attachment styles during this study.

Children with secure attachment styles saw their mother as a safe space and felt that it was safe to explore while she was present. 

Children with an ambivalent/anxious attachment tend to be clingy and. They have a hard time leaving parental figures to explore. They can be difficult to soothe or not comforted by parents. They may get inconsistent responses to their needs by their primary caregivers. 

Children that exhibited attachment style avoidant were detached from their mother. This detachment was apparent when they did not seek the parent when distressed. This attachment develops when a caregiver fails to provide for the child and is insensitive to their needs. 

How does an anxious attachment show up in relationships?

Often, a person struggling with an anxious attachment feels like they are not loved. They tend to feel starved for closeness and tenderness and search for it through their behaviors. Here are a few behaviors that people with this attachment exhibit.

1. Demand. If you have an anxious attachment, you may demand that your partner prove to you that they love you. This is most likely due to your past relationships and the caregiver style your parent(s) have. You may have been taught that you are unlovable or had to work to receive love.  Also, your past relationships sprouted a fear of abandonment that you quelled by expecting your partner to show that they love you. However, you may find yourself coming up short because it is hard to allow love in due to being afraid to trust. So, you have difficulty obtaining reassurance and trusting it. A cycle of demanding, fear of being unlovable and abandoned, and giving a demand to attempt to quell that fear continues.

1. Test your love. This individual may find themselves searching for proof that they are loved and won’t be abandoned. The need to create tests blossoms to quell their fear. However, many with this attachment find it difficult to trust the love that is given. So, they create harder and harder tests to see if their partner truly loves them.

2. Look for the negative. Often, a person with this attachment looks for signs that their partner is angry and will leave. Doing this helps them feel in control. Also, looking for the negative is a way they attempt to protect themselves by preparing for the worst. if looking for the negative. 

What does avoidant attachment disorder look like in a partner?

1. Stonewall. Stonewalling is shutting down and not responding during a conflict. This tends to happen when the partner is so dysregulated that they cannot continue to be present. It is a physical response to stress and conflict and may not be done on purpose.

2. Appease. Someone with attachment style avoidant will do whatever they can to make you happy to shut down conflict. They appease because they think that everything will be fine as long as their partner is happy.

3. Implode. Often, people with this attachment stuff their anger down until it explodes. They bury their anger because they believe that showing that anger will cause more conflict. So, the anger may explode when the conflict isn’t as severe. To them, letting out bursts of anger during a small conflict is safer and is less likely to cause backlash. 

What does an anxious-avoidant relationship look like?

The partner with the anxious attachment feels a great need for more closeness in a relationship that signifies to them that they are loved. On the other hand, the attachment style avoidant partner withdraws in overwhelm. This reaction only makes the need for closeness become stronger and seemingly unmanageable.

As the anxious partner tries tricks to feed that need, the anxious partner distances themselves. This only fuels the fire for the anxious partner as their need grows. A cycle of the anxious partner searching for love and the avoidant partner retreating continues.

Fortunately, our attachment styles don’t carve doom into our relationships. You and your partner(s) can have a strong and healthy relationship despite your dueling attachment styles.

How can my partner and I grow together despite our attachment styles?

1. Acceptance and self-compassion. You can accept your desire to love your partner and accept that your attachment style may cause barriers to arise. Once we accept our attachment style and show ourselves self-compassion we can move forward in the healing process.

2. Identify triggers. Knowing our triggers is the first step to being stable during conflict. Identifying triggers allows us to use techniques that will help us regulate our nervous system when triggers surface. 

Also, if we understand what our triggers are we can explain our triggers and reactions to our partner. This will help your partner(s) understand your needs and help write up a way to avoid a large conflict.

1. Discuss and come up with a plan with your partner- with a professional. See a Gottman method trained couples therapist. The Gottman Method was created by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, a power couple in the field of mental health and relationships. The Gottman Method is the respected and supported couples therapy approach. It helps couples manage conflict and create a stable, loving relationship for years to come.

growgood psychology has couples therapists that support you and your partner as you build emotional connection and walk through conflict together

At growgood psychology you and your partner can build intimacy and closeness in the midst of stressors and avoidant attachment disorder. Finally, to build a strong relationship with your partner with the help of a couples therapist, connect with us now.